My HVAC went out in my apartment last week. It was no big deal because I knew the complex would replace it, but it merits a post today. My apartment has been gutted to holy hell while they replace the entire unit. I came home to find parts strewn everywhere and a hole where the old unit used to be. In order for there to be progress or improvement there must be chaos. Noise, mess, parts strewn everywhere. In order for there to be progress or improvement there must be chaos. I know I said that already but it bears repeating.
When I think about onions I’m always reminded of how they’re the one inanimate object that are always used in illustrations about layers. But it’s true: it’s the one thing that the deeper you peel, the less different it looks, but you get to the core of what it really is. The aroma becomes more pungent. The layers become brighter. It becomes more moist. All of the flavor is at the center of the onion. You have to peel back the layers to get to the core of what you need to provide the most flavor. Don’t be afraid of getting to the core of who you are or what you’re supposed to be. It won’t look any different: you’ll be afraid, have setbacks, experience victories. But the deeper the layer, the clearer the purpose of your vision becomes. If you find yourself staring into the face of a dream you never thought you’d dream, or can achieve, realize that sometimes necessity is the mother of reinvention.
I did a DNA test a few weeks ago and got the results back this week. All of a sudden the world has opened up to me in a way I’ve never experienced. A gap has been bridged although I still have questions. I know more about who I am and where I come from and knowing that everyday I wake up with a freedom that feels like I could just step out into the world into a hundred tomorrows of promise. Unlocking the past opened a door to the future. A door that can never be closed. Never underestimate the power behind knowing who you are.
I really thought I had it all figured out. I knew what I loved the most. But not what I’m supposed to do. And therein lay the problem. I sense that this is the source of my uneasiness and unhappiness lately. Restless. Sleepless. Listless. Purpose-less.
I found my old iPhone today. I plugged it in, excited to see things I’d forgotten. Things that didn’t make the transition into my current phone, my now, once again old iPhone. I stumbled across text messages between me and an old friend whose significance I never understood in my life. A friend whose appearance was just as abrupt and confusing as his disappearance. He’d faded into a past that only I knew the truth about. A past I’d convinced myself was unimportant. A past that could no longer creep back in and remind me of a time that all I had hoped for was never going to happen. And what makes it so interesting is that I seemed so very happy. So very authentic. So very possible. Realizing that my phone I currently use is now old, I began to think about how life works. It’s cyclical. Sometimes recycled memories can turn into familiar pain. And sometimes it reappears and it doesn’t affect you at all. It’s just a moment in earth’s history. Other memories can appear happy on the surface, but when you dig deeper trying to recapture what made you so happy, you discover that it wasn’t happiness at all. It was something else, something more sinister hiding just beyond the veil of a misunderstood and clumsy romance.