Sometimes I swear I can feel when someone is thinking about me. If that happens to you, and it’s someone you like, drink in every moment and take a deep breath. Send that love, that light right back. There’s a beauty in that and it goes down smooth like gentle rain.
It really does free you. You think that the only way you’ll be able to exhibit it is if he feels the same way, but it’s not about that. Love, real love, is given without expectation. Without condition. When we learn that, learn to love without expecting, then we can truly be free to love and to give without believing we’re somehow hurting ourselves to do it. That’s not love, that’s obsession. Love someone today. Don’t let it hold you captive. But let it free you.
I love buying two things new: calendars and umbrellas. Right now I’m umbrella shopping because the one I’ve had for YEARS is now broken. I was devastated, but not in an “I’m never going to find another umbrella just like youuuuuuuu!!” kind of way. But in a “something I’ve had a long time needs to be replaced now” kind of way. Things change. Time marches on. And umbrellas have to eventually be replaced. It’s strange because umbrellas aren’t really the kind of thing one thinks about often ( unless one lives in Seattle) but at some point, one is going to need a new umbrella. I just happen to like shopping for them.
Today I stopped by my office to print something. College campuses, if you’re not tenured faculty teaching summer courses, are empty (but happy) places. There was a large group of youngsters on the floor next to my office making a lot of noise. I walked past, let myself into my office, then made sure to close the door behind me. I sat down at my computer and began searching for files, typing things, and checking my email. When I finished about 20 minutes later, I gathered my things and left. I then discovered when I stepped outside that they had gone. I had not noticed when they left because I was focused on completing the task at hand. My point: be so focused on your goals that whatever noise you hear outside does not disturb the work you’re doing on the inside. You’ll look up, be finished, and would have never been disturbed by a single external discouragement, obstacle, or noise.
I was happy out west. I can feel an anxiety and palpable tension that frustrates me. I’m supposed to be content where I am until I move. But I feel tired and sad. And I don’t know if the bad vibes are coming from outside and seeping in or coming from inside and making here seem like a bad place. But I want to be there. I want to be out there now. Not later. And there’s got to be something to the things that grab us by the ankles and drag us toward them. There’s got to be something to the immutable truth that I have to get there at all costs. There’s got to be something to the dreams that won’t ever leave us alone. That won’t ever leave us.
Love letters. Openness. Earthiness. Bare feet. Infectious laughter. Vacation stills. Happy dogs. Sweat from the oppressive summer heat and humidity. Blue skies. Vodka. Quiet rooms. Leather couches. Happy thoughts. Dreams of you. Hearts on sleeves.
Can we do it again?
I’ve just scheduled my dissertation proposal with my committee. It’s in 14 days. Today I began reviewing my research and I realized something: I don’t feel big enough to do this. You hear about people who have earned Ph.D.’s and people who didn’t. And suddenly you understand why people didn’t. There’s a precipice I’m standing on the edge of, and there’s no sheer drop into a ravine — it’s a field of doubt and insecurity. All I could see were these tall stalks with no end in sight. No light. No end of the tunnel. I began to ask myself if I really can do this. But I heard shouting at me from the other side of the field, through the stalks of shattered confidence “walk through this field. Do this shit anyway.” And so I am. Whatever it is, do it afraid. But do that shit anyway.